The Future of German Football Arrived

I have supported Germany for sixteen years.

2010 to 2026.

I started when I was seven.

I am twenty-three now.

This is important context because I did not simply watch German football decline.

I grew up with it.

At seven years old, I watched Germany score four against England and four against Argentina.

At eleven, I watched them win the World Cup.

At fifteen, I watched them get eliminated in the group stage.

At nineteen, I watched them get eliminated in the group stage again.

And at twenty-three, I watched them finally make progress.

They got eliminated in the Round of 32.

This is the longest relationship of my life.

I have changed countries.

I have changed schools.

I have changed careers.

Germany has changed absolutely nothing.

Possession.

Hope.

Trauma.

Repeat.

Every four years, I become a slightly older man and Germany finds a slightly newer way to ruin my summer.

So when I say Julian Nagelsmann managed to completely fuck up his managerial career in Germany, understand that I am not approaching this as a neutral observer.

I have sixteen years of emotional investment.

I have watched an entire generation of German football happen in real time.

And somehow, after all of that, the most impressive tactical innovation was finding a new round to get eliminated in.

Anyway.

Germany is a very forgiving country.

You can make mistakes.

You can lose games.

You can even work for Deutsche Bahn.

But there are limits.

Step 1: Become the future of German football

First, become one of the most anticipated young managers in the country.

Manage Hoffenheim.

Take them to the Champions League for the first time in their history.

Manage Leipzig.

Take them to two consecutive Champions Leagues and give them their best Bundesliga season ever.

Manage Bayern Munich.

Win the Bundesliga in your first season.

Perfect.

At this point, Germany has spent approximately ten years telling everyone:

This man is a genius.

Tactical prodigy.

Laptop trainer.

The future of German football.

He understands half-spaces.

He understands pressing triggers.

He probably understands what the fuck a Raumdeuter actually is.

Then Bayern sack you in your second season.

Basically out of nowhere.

Not even immediately.

They tell you in March that you are getting fired in June.

This is German efficiency.

Even your unemployment has a Kündigungsfrist.

Step 2: Become Bundestrainer

Fortunately, Germany has another job available.

A slightly easier one.

You only have to fix the entire country.

Germany has just spent two World Cups getting eliminated in the group stage.

At this point, the national team's tactical identity is:

Possession.

Possession.

Possession.

Japan scores.

So you become Bundestrainer.

And then something strange happens.

Euro 2024 is actually good.

Germany plays football again.

The country starts believing again.

Flags come out.

People smile.

Even Deutsche Bahn probably arrives somewhere.

And then Germany gets eliminated by Spain after a completely normal and uncontroversial refereeing decision that nobody in Germany has mentioned since.

Everyone agrees:

Germany is back.

This was the beginning.

The World Cup will be different.

And technically, it was.

Step 3: Spend two years making everyone progressively less excited

This is difficult.

You have an entire country ready to believe in you.

Your task is to stop them.

First, take your best striker, Deniz Undav.

Throw him under the bus after a game.

Excellent.

Nothing creates World Cup energy like publicly making your own players wonder whether the manager likes them.

Then remember that you have repeatedly said Oliver Baumann is your clear number one.

Very good.

Now reactivate Manuel Neuer.

Because if there is one thing German football needed before a World Cup, it was another goalkeeper discussion.

Germany has many traditions.

Christmas markets.

The Autobahn.

And destroying a major tournament by spending six months asking which old man should stand between two posts.

By now, the country is no longer asking:

Can Germany win the World Cup?

The country is asking:

What the fuck is he doing?

Perfect.

Step 4: Play the third consecutive horrible World Cup

Now comes the important part.

Germany has already had two disastrous World Cups.

I remember both.

Unfortunately.

I was fifteen.

Group stage.

I was nineteen.

Group stage.

I am twenty-three.

Round of 32.

This is not football anymore.

This is a coming-of-age story.

Every four years, I become a slightly older man and Germany finds a slightly newer way to ruin my summer.

A lesser manager would look at the previous two World Cups and think:

We should probably improve.

But you are a tactical innovator.

So you find a new way.

You get eliminated in the Round of 32.

This is genius because Germany cannot even say:

At least we did not go out in the group stage again.

Correct.

You went one round later.

Progress.

This is what the DFB means by a long-term project.

Years of tactical preparation.

Thousands of hours of video analysis.

One of the most talented squads in Europe.

And the final system is:

2018 — Group Stage.

2022 — Group Stage.

2026 — Round of 32.

At this rate, Germany will win the World Cup in approximately 2094.

I will be ninety-one.

Assuming German football does not kill me first.

Step 5: Resign

And now there is only one thing left to do.

Resign.

Not because you are a bad manager.

That would be too simple.

You are still the same man who took Hoffenheim to the Champions League.

The same man who gave Leipzig their best Bundesliga season.

The same man who won the Bundesliga with Bayern.

The same man who made Germany believe again in 2024.

That is what makes it beautiful.

Germany spent ten years manufacturing the youngest managerial genius in football.

Hoffenheim developed him.

Leipzig refined him.

Bayern traumatised him.

The DFB gave him an entire country.

And one World Cup later:

Julian Nagelsmann

Age: still younger than some goalkeepers

Status: politically unemployable

I started supporting Germany when I was seven.

Back then, I thought I was choosing a football team.

Apparently, I was choosing a long-term character development programme.

Sixteen years later, I have watched Germany become world champions, collapse, rebuild, make an entire country believe again, and then discover a completely new round in which to get eliminated.

How to completely fuck up your managerial career in Germany in 0.1 seconds?

Become the future of German football.

Then arrive at the future.